Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
