I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize