i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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