i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize