i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
