I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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