Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
