Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
