I just cut my nipple shaving
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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