U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
