My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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