He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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