I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
