how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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