is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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