sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
