Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
