Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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