I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
