It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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