I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize