it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Floor bacon is actually really good
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
