I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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