So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize