You just made me feel so damn special
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
