Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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