I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize