I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
