sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
