i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
