If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize