Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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