so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
