I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
