I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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