I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
