I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
