He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
