puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
