can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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