My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
