Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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