you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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