so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
