I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Everclear isn't food dammit
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
