i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
