dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
