I think im going to throw up on grandma
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
