1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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