I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
