I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
