That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
