just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize