my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize