My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
