i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
