im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
