We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize