I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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