NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize