I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
