Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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