What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
