he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
